Defensive Wounds

Candy's Blues, Jazz, and Rock Jam

2011-04-28T23:01:00.001-04:00

Candy's Blues, Jazz, and Rock Jam, a set on Flickr.

One.

2011-03-11T01:44:00.000-05:00

All I have is Today.

2010-11-11T00:07:00.002-05:00

Today I celebrate 8 months sober.
Just wanted to thank all of you here who helped me in the beginning, none of you are forgotten.

Tournament of Champions Semi-Final Stop-Motion

2010-11-07T03:35:00.000-05:00

Grateful to my Higher Power.

2010-09-29T14:45:00.000-04:00

Tournament of Champions-Stop Motion

2010-09-28T17:13:00.000-04:00

Kurt Rosenwinkel and OJM

2010-09-16T02:52:00.001-04:00

Kurt Rosenwinkel and OJM, originally uploaded by J Harrington.

Berklee Performance Center
Boston, MA
15Sep10

Misinformed

2010-08-16T05:47:00.001-04:00

Misinformed, originally uploaded by J Harrington.

Blowing Bubbles!

2010-06-22T23:35:00.001-04:00

9009, originally uploaded by J Harrington.

9436

2010-06-16T17:41:00.001-04:00

9436, originally uploaded by J Harrington.

2010-05-19T16:05:00.003-04:00

6836, originally uploaded by J Harrington.

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6874, originally uploaded by J Harrington.

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a2, originally uploaded by J Harrington.

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a1, originally uploaded by J Harrington.

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6825, originally uploaded by J Harrington.

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7209, originally uploaded by J Harrington.

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7221, originally uploaded by J Harrington.

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7240, originally uploaded by J Harrington.

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72091, originally uploaded by J Harrington.

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7266, originally uploaded by J Harrington.

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7271, originally uploaded by J Harrington.

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7270, originally uploaded by J Harrington.

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72091, originally uploaded by J Harrington.

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72531, originally uploaded by J Harrington.

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72671, originally uploaded by J Harrington.

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7469, originally uploaded by J Harrington.

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7480, originally uploaded by J Harrington.

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7330, originally uploaded by J Harrington.

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7355, originally uploaded by J Harrington.

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7505, originally uploaded by J Harrington.

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7506, originally uploaded by J Harrington.

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2010-05-19T15:55:00.001-04:00

7545, originally uploaded by J Harrington.

"What will ensure sobriety? Absolute commitment to Alcoholics Anonymous" Fr. Martin

2010-04-28T23:16:00.006-04:00

I have made the decision to stop blogging.

I want my recovery to go back to a more personal experience. I believe the blog has served it's purpose. I gave myself a place to write something, and I saw the results while just returning to A.A.

I want to thank all who have commented, and who have followed. You have helped me get to where I am today.

I am going to write my thoughts into a notebook, and concentrate more on the 10th step. Ending the blog is following my plan to change myself, and sometimes by writing here I have delayed the process.

Once again, thank you.

I am going to leave you with words from Fr. Martin.

It is impossible to be touched by God without change.

The irrational fears that come with addiction should disappear if you begin to get well right.

Many people can handle alcohol, alcoholics can't.

You may know thyself and die drunk, self knowledge is not much of a tool unless I use it.

Do you know what your sobriety hinges on?

Your desire to not drink has to be stronger than your desire to drink.

If you don't have that desire, you better pray for it, just ask for it.

What will ensure sobriety?
Absolute commitment to Alcoholics Anonymous

Twelve principles that can be summarized in six words:
Trust God, steps 1,2, and 3.
Clean House, steps 4 through 11.
Help Others, step 12.

This way of life is the therapy for alcoholism.

You give your life to it. Why? your life depends on it.

You do not have to like A.A., you just have to be there.

You go to A.A., whether you like it or not, and after a while if you are open minded, and bring with you the attitude that you should bring you will grow to like it.

Always remember this. Somebody was there when you came, you be there when somebody else comes.

You don't get A.A., it gets you, but you have to be there for it to get you.

You go to meetings at your home group and others, home group is important, you work the steps, you express your gratitude for your sobriety, and you pray for it.

There's no magic to staying sober, the clue, don't drink.

Your sobriety is your business.

Gratitude is the hinge on which the sober life swings.

What is gratitude? It's the 12th step, it's the golden trail which you offer to others what God has given you.

2010-04-27T21:14:00.002-04:00

Went to a noon time meeting today in Lowell the city where I grew up. Three oldtimers, still there, still sober from when I first arrived at age 16. This meeting has moved several times over the years, and with it the changes have been from a "looney-nooney", to an out of control meeting with tons of kids running, screaming throughout, to today's transformation, old school, hardcore A.A.

Automatically I was filled with love, and with it some sadness. I wasn't sad about not having the ability to stay sober, it was just a sadness that I missed so much out of these peoples lives. These were the people who taught me unconditional love, showed me what the true meaning of the fellowship of A.A. really is. Only recently through the BB/Step meetings have I found some of the love/happiness I experienced when I was younger.

These people showed me the A.A. that is spoken of in our literature and I will be forever grateful. I plan to get back to some of these meetings whenever possible.

The person I emailed about dropping the photography replied, totally understanding, and welcomed me back at any time. Honesty works.

Sadly spent the afternoon at the ER with the wife, 2:30-7:30, another migraine. I don't know what we can do other than what we have done already. In fact we were at the chiro/neuro this morning, she went in with a minor migraine that turned full blown by the afternoon.

Thy Will Be Done

That's all I can ask for.

"a new life of endless possibilities can be lived if we are willing to continue our awakening, through the practice of A.A.'s Twelve Steps" Grapevine,

2010-04-26T23:40:00.001-04:00

The sprinkler system runs automatically outside of my home, the complex must have had facilities turn it on sometime today. It has been going on and off sporadically throughout the night. It's raining outside.

This is how I used to drink. No matter how much booze I consumed out at a bar, I would need to have more waiting for me when I returned home, it didn't matter how drunk I was. I had to have a beer to open. Sometimes I drank it all and more, sometimes the next morning I would find a mostly full can and be upset that I wasted it.

The ground is wet, it is raining, yet the sprinkler turns on to add water to the grass, it doesn't need it. It hasn't needed any water for over an hour now. The sprinkler will probably turn on again soon. It will probably continue to rain.

Tonight I made a decision to quit one of the MMA organizations that I have been photographing. It was a very hard decision to make, and I have been thinking of doing this for some time, the migraines, my program, it was all too much. I needed to get out, didn't want to wait for the next event and make up an excuse, or lie to get out of it. I am hoping that I will have no regret, and I have prayed for the answer, and it has been to withdraw. I have taken the decision back, and wasn't feeling right inside, but when my feelings were consistently telling me to get out, I finally got the courage up to send an email and let them know I wouldn't be photographing anymore. I did not want to call, did not want any confrontation, even told the person that in the email, just wanted to avoid the talk.

Sobriety changes my outlook on some things in my life. I have to Let Go and Let God sometimes.

Grateful for having the tools I need to live a new life. As long as I keep in contact with my Higher Power who is God, I don't really need to worry about what comes next.

There are a number of things on my mind that I don't post here, character defects, things I do throughout my day that I want to change. I am asking for help, and leaving myself a reminder here to keep me aware.

"restless, irritable, and discontented" The Doctor's Opinion, Big Book

2010-04-25T20:40:00.002-04:00

Grateful today for my family and friends, online, and off.

Grateful that my son is able to cry at 11 yrs. old, after finishing reading a book for school.

Grateful that we had two days of semi-migraines, but no ER visits.

Grateful I studied my Big Book tonight, the words above "restless, irritable, and discontented" describe me exactly without a drink before A.A.

Grateful that I have a job to wake up to, and that I want to go in, do my job, and work hard.

Grateful that I exercised today, it gives me a peace, I should be doing it everyday.

Grateful that I began blogging, it brought online friends who I think of throughout my day.

Grateful for the blog, it is keeping me accountable to myself.

Excited to go watch the Lois W. story with my wife!

Studying ants...

2010-04-24T23:03:00.001-04:00

Went for a peaceful walk with the wife and son out in the woods today, interrupted by my wife coming down with a migraine. I have been better tonight, practicing compassion and patience. Right now she is in bed, I'm waiting for the word when she wants to go to the ER. I am going to read some blogs, then getting offline to do some reading.

It's all about acceptance.

It's amazing what an hour and a half at a meeting can do...

2010-04-23T23:51:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I wrote about my sponsor. Today I spoke with him, he has been sick all week. This is what happens if I write of feelings, I can be over sensitive, confused, wrong, right, but I am writing so I won't apologize, as long as it's honest. How I felt yesterday about him, is not how I feel today, and it's ok, I can change how I feel, but I should take a step back, and turn it over to a Power great than myself before I take things back into my own hands...My thoughts can bring me trouble if I don't ask for help...

Today was a work day. I like the job, I like the people, but I am not converted, and I don't like working...On lunch I drove through some parts of the city I grew up in. So many different emotions, and experiences I went through, a lot of horror, a lot of happiness. Sometimes I get a deep sadness for the city, I was very much a part of it, and in the back of my mind I wouldn't mind living back there again. Someday maybe, when my son is grown and out of the house, way too far away to even contemplate.

My drive home from work brought to mind some thoughts of alcohol. Nice weather, I had the windows down, the radio up, three party songs in a row and the thoughts crept in. Who doesn't love summer, but for me a lot of summer, and music used to mean a lot of partying. I do concert photography and last summer at some of the bigger festivals I was more intent on the boozing. It was a random passing thought, nothing I am dwelling on, nothing I am worried about. I did turn those thoughts over, I have had plenty of partying in my life. I know that the thoughts are just a myth, it can seem like fun, but my type of fun went to the extreme. If I am honest with myself, there is nothing to contemplate. When drinking I do not drink normal, cannot drink normally, and will never have the ability to take a swallow of alcohol normally.

I did not want to go to my Big Book Step Study meeting tonight. I was tired, just wanted to stay home. With all of the meetings I have been attending I sometimes miss just staying home with the family, miss the time with them. So it was forced, but as soon as I am out my door I forget about all of that. This meeting was worth every minute.

First thing I did was make amends to the guy who I told how they should be running the meeting, we had a good laugh. After the meeting I asked him for some help about the format, and what to say when it comes to my turn, some people just identify like I have been doing, others speak who have gone through the steps, and others say "I'm reading", or "I'm writing". Well, next week I will be "reading". The guy gave me a study sheet with the chapters/steps outlined. So I am now reading with a clear direction, rather than randomly opening pages of the Big Book. I'm now feeling more a part of the group, instead of just attending.

A lady spoke, she had been sober for years, her life fell apart, her marriage fell apart, she lost her job, and eventually she went back to drinking, spoke of just being "dry", and not really sober. Finally made it back to A.A. and has since attended the BB/Steps and feels that she is really working the program. I identify strongly with her words, that was my story, loss of jobs, just living miserably although sober. I do feel like I have found an answer with this group too. God is being good to me, that's my answer as to why I really feel like I am going to have a better life. I am really feeling blessed by my HP.

A man spoke. He said when he first started attending the BB/Step meetings that he saw something different in people's faces that he didn't see at other meetings, that he just found something different and that he wanted, and it was why he has never stopped attending these type of meetings. I totally identified with this guy, it's the same feeling I am getting, and I haven't even mentioned all of the laughing tonight, and I have to admit, I was laughing out loud at times, too, one lady made a hilarious comment I won't repeat.

I had wondered what other meetings these people attend. I don't see many of them at my regular meetings, tonight I heard a few times about a meeting in another town on Sunday nights. I checked with R, the guy I made my amends to, and he goes on Sunday too, so I have another meeting added to my list of meetings that I am really looking forward to...

So this is how an hour and a half can change my life...

2010-04-22T22:51:00.001-04:00

My sponsor and I have become distanced. It's probably my fault. I am feeling myself edging away from him with the more time I spend at meetings that he does not attend. I can only point to the new meetings I am attending as the reason. I am being surrounded by people who are actively reading the books, and working the steps. The more I go to these type of meetings, the less I am talking with him. I did go so far as to say to my wife that I was going to find a new sponsor the other day, and I will need to find one in my BB/Step Study group. I don't know. I'm not dwelling on it, he is a good person and has been there to help me. I'll let things fall into place. Took a day off from a meeting and spent time with the family.

"This is getting serious. I'm sorry I got disturbed. Let's talk about it later." To Wives, BB Chapter 8

2010-04-21T21:21:00.002-04:00

Today was a better day.

My wife and I went to the chiropractic neurologist, and within about 10 minutes he felt had a diagnosis. My wife needs some neck x-rays, and then she will begin treatment. We are hopeful. I want to believe he knows exactly what he is talking about, he is the expert, I will wait for the results. One thing was that her type of migraines were not unique, he has had other patients with the same, but every patient requires a different plan, and it's a matter of getting to the pace where the treatment works. This is something I have to put into God's hands and leave there.

Decided to go to another town and check out a Big Book meeting, chapter "To Wives"...One theme I felt I read throughout the chapter was the non aggressive approach it asked the wives to take with us alcoholics. It was more hands off, say nothing to upset them and so on. I know for myself, when drinking I don't want anyone mentioning it, nevermind trying to control it. I'm grateful that I have a wife who decided to stop drinking back in 2003 when I got sober, and when I went back out, she chose to continue staying sober. When I finally made it back into A.A. she said that she wasn't happy about me drinking again, and that she was happy I got sober. My wife is not like me, she is not an alcoholic, she doesn't need a drink, and she doesn't need meetings to stay away from a drink. I don't know how she ended up with me, I even warned her back when we met that I was trouble, but she stayed with me. God Bless Her!

A C C E P T A N C E

2010-04-20T23:47:00.001-04:00

Today wasn't the best day. We spent from 2am-5am at the hospital. Spent most of the day in bed, woke up feeling depressed. I don't know if it is the sleep pattern change, the frustration of the migraines getting worst for my wife, the increase of the migraine attacks. I don't know. I was both angry and depressed most of the afternoon and into the night. Called my sponsor, left a message and didn't hear back.

The answer was given to me at my step meeting tonight. I went in very agitated, I was in a mood and it would have been very easy not to go to a meeting, in fact earlier in the night I gave up, and wasn't going at all. Instead I took a shower and just went. We started Step One so there were a lot of people who haven't been here previous weeks. As I said, I was agitated, and on edge already walking in. The meeting began, a guy comes in, sits down and begins eating a bag of chips, not being quiet about it, talking to the girl he came in with out loud and so on. The noise level just went up from there, as did my agitation. People having conversations, not sitting still, getting up walking around. There was no peace and serenity going on in that room tonight, and it is ok, it happens at meetings, tonight the problem was that I was very affected by it, I was already over my tolerance level. I stayed for the meeting, left at 8:30 when it should have ended.

The word that kept hitting me during the entire meeting, A C C E P T A N C E. Same situation happened last week with the migraines, and I came to the same conclusion. It's all about acceptance, and obviously I am having a hard time accepting these migraines and the troubles they cause. Instead of being a strong compassionate person for my wife, I collapse and get in my own way. Before my meeting started I did make my amends to her, we talked, we love each other, we will work through this together. It's not easy. I am actually trying to change my life here. I don't think I have ever worked a program like this before, I'm paying attention to my feelings, and feeling them. Tomorrow I plan to open up the books and read all about acceptance, anything and everything I can read. I thought I had this answer already, but this is life, and I lived for years hiding and running from feelings, I can't expect to be changed overnight, but I don't want to hold onto any bad feelings any longer than I need to. I also want to stop making the same mistakes over and over again.

It's a process, I am walking my way through it. I am grateful to have the Big Book, and the 12 steps. I am learning how to live. Through the Grace of God the thought of drinking hasn't entered my mind, and as I said in the meeting tonight, I am very grateful that my HP has opened up my eyes enough for me to see things a bit more clearly today.

Tomorrow morning my wife tries something new, has an appointment with a chiropractic neurologist, this may be something that helps her migraines attacks. We can only wait and see. Just want to thank all of you reading for the kind words, and prayers. I am listening, and your prayers are working in ways that I see after the fact, thanks for reaching out, we appreciate all of the love.

2010-04-20T03:12:00.001-04:00

Sitting at the ER, got here at 2am...God, if it is your will, please show us a solution to these migraines.

2010-04-19T22:30:00.001-04:00

Went to a meeting, someone spoke of the smell that you find at a bar. I remember the barroom smell being the strongest during the day. I remember drinking during the day in barrooms, going home, sleeping the drunk off, waking up, going out to do it all over again.

I'm grateful to be sober today, and not have to smell any barrooms. My cold is not gone, stuffed up, almost left my meeting tonight, and only went to do my job of reading the Promises. My wife is sick in bed, most likely another trip to the ER, at this point we probably won't be able to avoid it.

I am going to do some reading, say some prayers, and try to rest.

2010-04-18T21:58:00.001-04:00

My day was filled with sleeping, and not a lot more. Came down with a cold last night that wasn't magically gone when I woke up today. Head stuffed, blocked nose, normal irritating discomfort. Orange juice, and chicken soup...I was going to check out a new meeting in a different town. I am looking for better recovery than some of the meetings I have been attending. I don't know if it's me, but you can hear healthy things at a meeting, or you can surround yourself with people who seem to be struggling. I'm not judging, it's more about searching for something better in my meetings. I just want something better to listen to. The more I read, and the more I understand, the more I want from my meetings. This probably all stems from the BB/Step meeting on Friday, but I know there is better out there for me.

Once I am done reading blogs I am going to begin writing. I am not doing a 10th step, I am just opening my journal to write whatever comes to my mind. I don't have to wait any amount of time to begin working on me, or on the fourth step. I have a lot of garbage hidden inside, a lifetime's worth, and thinking about writing is ok but I'm into actions over words right now. I'm going to write instead of thinking about writing, no need for procrastination...

2010-04-18T14:05:00.000-04:00

"There's no magic to staying sober, the clue, don't drink." Fr. Martin

2010-04-17T21:58:00.000-04:00

I don't feel like blogging tonight.

I have no deep words of wisdom, nothing much to pass on. My mother moved to a new house, sold my childhood home. We went to visit her at the new house today, small, comfortable, easy to take care of. I caused my mother a lot of hurt and pain in her life. Many amends to make, and in time I will, she hasn't let very much go from my past, loves to bring things up and talk about them. I know I hurt her, and removing the pain may never be possible, but if I continue staying sober, and changing my life, maybe someday she will be able to change too. I'm learning that it is easier to let go of old resentments than to hold on to them, easier said than done as usual, but for the Grace of God I have been given a way out of some of the pain, hopefully she can find a way too.

Went to a meeting, talked to my sponsor, read blogs, spent some time on ITR, and it's family time for the rest of the night.

When I mentioned that I didn't feel like blogging, it's true. Finding something to blog about isn't necessary, I am experiencing a day without chaos, or misery, or trouble right now. I have to come to a place where that is ok too.

"their ideals must be grounded in a power greater than themselves, if they are to re-create their lives" The Doctor's Opinion

2010-04-16T23:55:00.003-04:00

Step one tonight at the Big Book/Step Study meeting. My friend wasn't there so I wasn't able to make my amends. The biggest thing I noticed tonight at this meeting, the laughter. These people are really enjoying their sobriety. While the speaker was talking I could feel such a warmth in the room, the love you can feel only at meetings. I know this is where I want to be, this type of sobriety. I am so grateful to have stumbled into this type of meeting so early in my recovery. People were sober for years before they began the step study, and everyone that speaks this tells that it changed their entire lives. I'm so grateful to my Higher Power for leading me to this meeting. In 2004 when I celebrated a one year anniversary a good friend gave me a Big Book Study Edition, I'm using that for the meeting now.

Lot's of blank spaces to fill in with words of recovery...

Pure Gratitude

2010-04-15T23:01:00.002-04:00

When I was younger I had a cat who had a bunch of kittens. We put them all into a big cardboard box and watched as they scratched and clawed at the walls trying to get out, some falling over onto each other, some stepping over the others reaching for the top. Some being content to just sit there, meow and watch.

The workplace, I'm the cat in the box.

Since I was a teenager work has been a downfall for me. It has not been completely bad, I have had some huge success, but for the most part, not the greatest history. I'll be the first one to say that I would rather not be working. As I just started a new position, newly sober, I am at once seeing my reactions, interactions with people. Add to it, almost two years out of work... I had to do a lot of praying today. A lot of "Thy Will Be Done". I was told how to do something, and I was very nervous about it, and I realized that it was all fear, made up. I asked for help, I prayed for it to be removed and went ahead with what I was asked. You would laugh at hearing how simple it was, and I'm not even going to type it, but still, inside my head, roller coaster central. This is why tonight I am so grateful to be sober and have the program. The 12 steps are going to save my life! Staying sober already is, but with the 12 steps I am going to be that cat in the middle of the box meowing, and watching the others walk all over each other trying to reach the top, I will be content with my little spot in the middle, calm in the middle of chaos. I have a lot of work to do to get there, but this is what makes my recovery so exciting. I am actually excited to be on this journey to be the real person who has been locked out for so many years, I don't care about those other periods of sobriety, none of it has measured up to what I have done in just this short time. I have the answer as to why it's working too, I have been doing a better job, probably a better job than ever before of turning it over to God my Higher Power. I am using the tools the program spells out, and a lot of it is asking for help. God is working in my life. I'm not worried about what will happen tomorrow, or next week, who knows, but today, right now, I am grateful, and so happy that I have been given another chance at life.

"The greatest hurdle we must clear is self before we can recover from alcoholism" Stools & Bottles

2010-04-14T21:51:00.001-04:00

Visited a bookstore today that sells recovery items. After my first rehab back in the day I loved having sober gear, "Higher Powered" stickers that I didn't stick anywhere but kept on my desk. The sober camel medallion like you see above, "One Day at a Time" stickers, books, t-shirts. It didn't matter, at that age, it was like a special club that I belonged to, and I enjoyed having the items. I kind of get the same feeling today when I see all the items that I could buy to have around my house and look at. I picked up the book Stools & Bottles, and the Sober Camel medallion key chain.

The difference today is that I know there is work to do to stay sober. I can get a good feeling buying things, but in order to give them real meaning I must use them, and and through that work, the good feelings I get can be true feelings, not surface feelings.

I want my recovery today. I did both reading, and praying today. I finally felt like I was almost all the way back on track, and what I mean by almost is that I will never really be "on track", it's a process. I live and learn. This past week was a good example of seeing where I can do better. It won't be done in a day, but I can continue to work towards a better life, or I can give in. I don't want to give in today, the rewards of a sober, happy life far outweigh the short "good times" with booze.

"good to hear you"

2010-04-13T23:10:00.001-04:00

"good to hear you"

That's what someone said to me when I was walking out of my step meeting tonight. I listen to the guy every week, and I enjoy his message, yet I have never said the same to him. Made me think twice about that, maybe I should let more people know when they touch me in some ways at meetings.

Today was a good day, or maybe just an uneventful normal day. My wife was in bed all day, sick again. Meds have been changed with the doctor, so hopefully things will change, she is trying the new formulation for two weeks to hopefully see a decrease in migraines. I will pray for God's will to be done, with a lot of hoping that they do lessen, or even better go away all together.

The step meeting was on the second half of step 12. We talked a lot about relationships, financial insecurity, and life. We had a couple of newcomers to the meeting, and it was good to hear their stories. No one wants to go back to that type of pain and misery. It can be such a struggle to put any amount of time together, and they were doing the right thing by speaking at a meeting. Hopeful I will continue to see them around the halls.

I did not pray more, and jump back to basics like I mentioned last night. I didn't do any reading of the Big Book, just my morning meditations. I was out of the house and did some things I needed to get done, but when I sat down and we began reading the step tonight I was reminded of my words. So I have been given another day of freedom by my Higher Power, with not much put back in on my end. Something to recognize and change, show some more gratitude on my side, do more praying for others, help a newcomer. Tonight I am going to catch up on reading the blogs I follow, I feel like it has been weeks when it really hasn't, the blogs are a big tool for me, and I know when I haven't used them.

frag·ile: easily broken or destroyed

2010-04-12T22:44:00.002-04:00

Complete emotional breakdown.

The ER was the same old story, sit around wait, released around 3am. I lost it, there was swearing, anger, frustration, wanting to just break down and cry. Most of all it was anger. I tried at moments to stop it, say "Thy Will Be Done", but I was in a rage, and it was going to go until it was ready to go. I was upset that we had to go to the ER in the first place, then when I tried calling our primary care doctor (on call doctor refused to admit my wife), and then my wife's migraine specialist who wouldn't call back, my anger just kept turning up and up.

So the real story, it was all selfish, self pitying anger, maybe fear, resentment, nothing good I can say that. I have terrible sleeping habits, always have, so when we had to go in at night right away I knew my sleep was gone, how could I begin a new job exhausted, which I ended up doing anyway. I could not risk losing this job, and I would have if I skipped out on going in. I got no sleep, and due to the most useless reason, my anger kept me awake. Maybe I was looking for a way out, easy way to get out of a new job. I don't know, but it took until tonight and my meeting for me to really settle down with all of these thoughts. The day was a blur, very busy, and exhausted, I was falling asleep by 4, happy to get out of there. Went to my meeting, and really didn't get a chance to meet with my sponsor, he suffers from headaches related to some other medical issues, and he just couldn't talk, he was in pain.

So I am back to Step One with my feelings, and I have to thank everyone for their support. It really means a lot, not only to myself, but to my wife. It's nice to have the unconditional love that is being spread around here, without anything being asked in return.

As I said, back to step one, I can do well for a time, but when things like last night happen, I have to find a better way, I should have called my sponsor when I was getting angry early in the evening, I should have just taken a walk, maybe got down on my knees, a number of things I "could have" done. I felt feelings, and maybe I'm not capable of dealing with everything right now, and it's ok. I did stay sober, and thanks to my HP the thought of a drink did not enter my mind. So I have some amends to make to my wife, she knew I was angry, but it's not her fault. I am taking this all as a big lesson, because it was scary.

We get to see how fragile we are if we pay attention, I have a lot of work to do for my recovery, but as I'm typing I am already becoming grateful that I want to fight this, I want to keep changing. Maybe next time things will be different, one day at a time, one step at a time I can do this, and thanks to all of you, I do not have to do this alone.

Sitting at the ER with another migraine, it's been non stop this weekend, I am beyond pissed, my son is here, new job tomorrow and we will be here for four hours minimum. Obviously have to start praying, just seems like the worst night possible for this to be happening.

2010-04-11T21:43:00.000-04:00

"a little more loving makes my life better" Daily Reflections

2010-04-10T23:27:00.002-04:00

Today was a good day.

Family time, well, besides my wife laying in bed with another migraine. You know there is nothing we can do, but tonight I am in a better mental state about it. There is nothing I can do but pray that she recovers quickly, and a lot of prayers that we don't end up in the ER! She is following her prescribed meds, we are following the doctors orders, and we wait and see if it cuts it off, but it's going to be God's will, not what I would prefer to happen. I'm just going along...

Went to an afternoon meeting. Invited a couple of people who spoke about getting into reading the Big Book to the meeting on Friday!! I let one guy know that there was no speaking, he said good, that's what I need.. I spoke to my sponsor about the meeting, he said "old time A.A.", told me to keep an open mind, and I said yep, that's exactly where I went wrong last night. I walked in there with expectations...wrong move...I've made the decision to return! I am excited since the meeting will be on Step One...probably right where I belong!

Excuse me, when did I say that I was a rational human being?

2010-04-09T23:40:00.003-04:00

Attended my first Big Book, 12 Step meeting tonight. I was very excited, I love the Big Book, and since I am into the steps right now, what could be better....well, no one said I was all there right?...by the end of the meeting I was character assassinating people, probably have to go back next week and make amends to some innocent bystander I gave "my" idea of how they should run their meeting....

I was excited to see about 25-30 people in the meeting, that is a big crowd, we don't seem to get that many people at the step meetings I attend so I was impressed. The meeting began with us reading out of the Big Book, we covered the second half of the 12th step, which for the meeting we read pages 94-103. Then a speaker shared her story in relation to the step.

At this point is when things heated up for me...I'm laughing that I'm even typing this stuff, we can really be something else can't we...The person chairing laid out the rules of the meeting that were "decided by the group conscience". No problem with that, each group is autonomous right...ok, so these were the rules. No one could speak unless they had completed steps 1-12, with a big book/step study sponsor. Five minutes speaking limit. Share on steps 10-12 only. This is when my mind kicked in, I was a bit offended that I wasn't given the chance to speak if I chose to. I was offended that I couldn't speak if I hadn't gone through the steps WITH a big book/step study sponsor. So I'm looking at a minimum of 12 weeks before I even get to put a word in?? I hadn't even heard of this type of sponsor before. So I guess I skipped out on the golden rule of keeping an open mind, then the lady sitting in front of me started rolling her eyes when a person was sort of rambling while speaking..yep, that's when I lost it.

After the meeting, right before the prayer the chair person asked anyone who wanted to help new people to raise their hands. A bunch went up, and I centered on one guy who spoke to me before the meeting.

Poor guy didn't know I was about to unload a mouthful on him...

I "suggested" to him that during the meeting, while the rules are read that at that point they should ask the temp sponsors to raise their hands so people like me who are new would be able to speak to someone. I told him I knew nothing about this sort of meeting, and I sat there wondering what the hell a step study sponsor was, and so on. So he said, "well that's why we raise our hands at the end", so I babbled about the militaristic five minute rule. I didn't mention how annoyed I got at the chair person who looked at her watch the moment a person began speaking, she was a good at keeping time! 10 seconds or so over the limit and she would do an exaggerated turn and look over her shoulder at the clock on the wall above her...

Ah...I love to just spell it out, this is me! My wife said, "oh oh, bad meeting" once I got home and started rambling...

The truth was that it wasn't a bad meeting at all, in fact it's something that I'm really interested in attending and becoming a part of. I was not ready for the format, or the tight restrictions, but I understand the reasoning behind it.

So next week, I'll head back there a little early and pull R over to the side, and apologize for being a crazed newcomer with his own set of rules and regulations that all of A.A. must abide by.....

Just another day being happy, joyous and free!!!!

What is gratitude? It's the 12th step, it's the golden trail which you offer to others what God has given you. Fr. Martin

2010-04-08T23:40:00.002-04:00

I got myself into this, I wanted all of this. I wanted to be sober, and when I came back this time I planned on doing what it takes to stay sober. I didn't want to be the same person, I wanted change, so I wouldn't have to continue burning bridges, hurting people, destroying relationships. I wanted the change the Steps talk about.

I wanted a new life, a new, free sober life, a life that I had glimpses of through past times in sobriety. So I started writing this blog for myself, to help me, to give me a place to share, and it has turned into something different than I probably planned, but it is becoming something very amazing to me. I am writing here, talking about events happening in my sobriety, and I have people that are caring enough to comment. Yesterday I expressed feelings, and by the help of comments here, the Big Book, God, and you reading I am feeling much better tonight.

FEAR

HOW IT WORKS

GOD

THY WILL BE DONE

"We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be." BB

Words, feelings, blogs, ITR, meetings, sponsor, being willing, and not just being willing, but DOING. Asking for help, not only to God, but to my sponsor, reaching out and saying hello to a newcomer, getting active, reading the literature, participating in discussions of sober topics, reading blogs, commenting on blogs, taking what I need, passing it on.

Just want to say thank you, thanks for reading, thanks for taking a few seconds to relate, or to give a suggestion, or by telling me what works for you. I'm listening.

Tonight I am better. The program works, if I put in the work. After today, going through my feelings, reading, I realize that I have a lot of work to do, but it doesn't have to be done today. If I stay away from a drink, I am allowing myself time to change.

My son was studying for a science test tonight, reading about Darwin, evolution, adaptation.

I'm living the words he is learning about.

2010-04-08T14:09:00.001-04:00

"We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be." Big Book Chapter 5, How it Works

Always remember this. Somebody was there when you came, you be there when somebody else comes. Fr. Martin

2010-04-07T22:21:00.001-04:00

This book is at my local library, not an authentic First Edition, but a reprint from 2007.

Finally feeling it tonight, a lot of things/emotions piling up, feeling kind of down, not depressed, but no very happy either. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'm dreading the job (I start Monday), maybe it's because I am facing closure of all of the free time I have had, I don't know, maybe the fear of a new beginning. I just can't seem to kick the dread, although I haven't worked hard at getting rid of the feeling either. Once again my wife is still sick, she was in bed most of the day with a migraine. I'm on my own to take care of my son which is no big deal, but the kid is eleven, and attitudes get tested, and I wasn't in the mood tonight.

I went to a meeting this morning, read some of the Big Book in the afternoon, and was supposed to meet with my sponsor for a night meeting, but with the wife sick I didn't have the option. I did call him, but he is also sick so it was small talk only, and a bigger conversation will have to wait until tomorrow. I can point out some other things, my contact with my HP, God is way off. Very little contact, yes in the morning, but other than that I don't think there was too much, and obviously, by reading this you can see that I'm not praying. Guess I need a good "thirty seconds" of meditation to get back on the path....

All is not bad though, I have given myself the unofficial greeter job at In The Rooms. Long ago I belonged to an email A.A. group, I was on the greeter committee for that, and some really nice friendships were formed through it. It's something I really enjoy doing. ITR has a little page that shows new members, I scroll through to see if A.A. or N.A is listed and I add a simple greeting, saying welcome, have a coffee, relax, read the discussions...just a little hello to let them know someone is out there. An old friend from my meetings years ago actually joined, so I was able not only to greet her, but to share some memories of the meeting halls we both attended.

I love Fr. Martin's words

"Always remember this. Somebody was there when you came, you be there when somebody else comes."

Gratitude is the hinge on which the sober life swings. Fr. Martin

2010-04-06T23:45:00.000-04:00

My wife suffers from migraines, instead of a meeting tonight I had to take her to the ER. This has been going on for a long time, I used to get angry. I never understood why the meds weren't working, or why she didn't make a follow up visit to get a better prescription. We have been going into a migraine specialist in Boston, and I understand now that we are doing everything we can to cut off the migraine as soon as possible without a trip to the ER. Unfortunately tonight nothing worked, she was home all day sick in bed, it took three doses of meds to finally clear it. I am powerless over this, so tonight I prayed. This was the first time that I can recall that I ever prayed for her migraine to be removed, I also said "Thy Will Be Done" because, things don't happen without it being God's Will right? I don't know, I do know that my wife has been cursed with migraines, and there is nothing we can do to stop them, just like I have alcoholism, although I may have in the past, I no longer look at it as a curse, and there is certainly nothing I can do to stop it once I pick up a drink.

I enjoyed the meditations this morning.

"Alcoholics cannot stop drinking unless they find a way to solve their personality problems." Twenty-Four Hours a Day

"When I stopped drinking I began a lifetime process of recovery from unruly emotions, painful relationships, and unmanageable situations." Daily Reflections

"I began a lifetime process", in the past periods of sobriety I have had, I can see now that I didn't begin any process. Yes, I went to step meetings, started 4th step writing, got active, had sponsors, BUT the only I thing I really did was not pick up a drink, and by not drinking you gain sober time, but it does not mean that you will stay sober. Just like it says above "unless they find a way to solve their personality problems", easy to see why I still had problems with people in everyday life, I was a drunk without a drink. I was still calling the shots, still directing, trying to control everything around me.

But for the Grace of God, my eyes seem to have been opened, BUT thank God this is one day at a time, because I never know how my feelings will change in the days to come.

Thirty Seconds of Serenity...

2010-04-05T23:14:00.004-04:00

I liked the idea of adding a thirty second meditation to the blog, but adding thirty seconds of serenity sounds like a lot more fun... Thirty seconds of things I like, things that make me happy, sounds I like, sights I like...anything that makes me feel good. Like riding my scooter...

I got a job! Well, not one that will bring me money, but it will bring me a lot of sobriety..It was my home group meeting tonight, last week they were looking for a person to read The Promises, so this week I volunteered, and after the meeting asked if I could have the job. Yes, it was given.

This is called "getting active", and for me it's an important piece of the program. It gives me a responsibility to the group, puts me out there in front of the meeting, people get to know my name, makes me accountable, and inside it makes me feel good to be doing something other than showing up, listening and going home. When I say that it puts my name out there, that is not meant as an ego boost, it is meant for anyone just coming around, it also gives people a chance to say hello, or maybe the next time I go to a different meeting someone might say "I think I saw you at the Club", this helps me. It doesn't allow me to isolate at a meeting, and it is very easy to isolate if you don't get active. I can go to meetings seven days a week, and not say a word to anyone, and I have done it, and that only gets me a drink in my hand, because I'm not a "part of". Joining a group, and being active, very important for my recovery.

Club 24, most of my meetings happen here.

2010-04-05T21:06:00.000-04:00

"thirty seconds of complete relaxation of mind and body will do the trick"

2010-04-04T22:40:00.005-04:00

After reading Step 11 in The Little Red Book, these words really hit me

"We know, however, from experience, that even thirty seconds of complete relaxation of mind and body will do the trick. It is simple. Try it."

2010-04-04T22:40:00.001-04:00

Serenity, Impending Doom, and Regret....

Those are some of the emotions I went through today.

Serenity.
Most holiday's we spend time with my wife's family in NH. We had another day with beautiful weather so I had a chance to relax while watching my son drive around on his bike. I had a nice warm, serene feeling sitting out on the porch, it was very peaceful, and I was happy. My son and I released two baby turtles my mother in law found, so it's always nice to teach my son about letting creatures go free.

Impending Doom.
Work. I've had a lot of jobs. I've been both highly promoted, and laid off. Fired, dragged away in chains, chased with torches and pitchforks, you name a work situation, I've been there. Today the job was on my mind, I got a call this past Friday, I may begin as soon as Thursday. Why the doom? It's a new place, and with my past troubles, I ask myself, how long will this one last. I feel like I am starting all over again. After being out of work for almost two years I wonder if I have the coping skills to deal with new co-workers, all of this is probably a bunch of fear, and I will get over it, but I don't enjoy that pit of doom in my stomach, and when it comes down to it, it's just my imagination...This is something I plan on having a talk with my sponsor about...

Regret.
Missed opportunities. That is a better way to describe the feelings. Drinking cut me off from so much. I was given a lot of opportunities in my life. I chose the drink, and if it wasn't the drinking, then it was my attitude, or behavior that cost me. Thinking of the upcoming job probably brought out some of these feelings, but, as an example, today I was thinking how I am almost 40, I should have the home (little shack) I have always wanted up in the White Mountains of NH. I know the Promises talk about not regretting the past, and it's something to work towards, but I'm not ignoring my feelings today. I just hope (God Willing!) that I am able to fix some of the wreckage of the past. I know if I stay sober, pray, and do the right things, then maybe my tomorrow can be better. I'm grateful to be able to say that.

Ended my day with a meeting, will end my night with prayers.

2010-04-04T00:02:00.000-04:00

2010-04-03T23:07:00.001-04:00

We had a day with very beautiful weather here, a friend called this "Nature's Anti-Depressant". Went to the 2pm meeting, funny, my wife said to me later that she couldn't believe I went on a day like this, around here we have had flooding rains happening for what seems like weeks so we are ready for nice days.

The afternoon meeting is a discussion, and sometimes people can ramble. It was one of those days where a lot of people that you don't want to hear speak end up speaking and talk well over the unwritten five minute rule... I don't think I will ever like everyone, nor do I feel that I have to like everyone. If anyone needed help, of course I would be willing, but as for listening to them at discussion meetings, yawn... I'm not perfect, and I do listen while they speak, even if everything in my mind is saying "blah blah blah blah". It's just the way it goes. I pay attention to what people do in meetings, sometimes you hear them say one thing, and then they do another. I just said to myself, patience and tolerance...Hope I'm not sounding too egotistical, or ignorant, or selfish, but it was how I felt during some parts of the meeting, maybe someday I'll have a new outlook.

I am off to color some eggs with my son, and he is actually excited about it!!

"It's impossible to be touched by God without change" Fr. Martin

2010-04-03T12:33:00.000-04:00

Father Martin's Chalk Talk

2010-04-03T02:23:00.005-04:00

I wasn't aware that Father Martin passed in March of 2009, may he Rest in Peace.

In my first rehab we watched one of his tapes, it made a huge impression on me. Only until recently did I get to see one again when I picked it up from my library.

I did a Youtube search and found a Father Martin page.

http://www.youtube.com/user/fatherjoemartin

ENJOY!!

2010-04-02T22:56:00.001-04:00

I went through something this afternoon that out of my three weeks sober was probably the most difficult to deal with. This is how I got through it.

Called my sponsor (no answer, left a message). I got down on my knees and I prayed "Thy Will Be Done", over and over. I opened up my literature, flipped through "Trouble" in As Bill Sees It, and read a passage mentioning the Serenity Prayer, plus other very helpful passages. I kept contact with my HP (God) ongoing. I got myself to a meeting later in the night, met up with my sponsor and had a good talk with him, he told me I was doing the right thing. We made plans to meet at the 10am meeting tomorrow. I didn't drink, nor did I want to, but I made sure that I thanked God for not wanting to drink.

If the same situation would have happened four weeks ago I would have been angry, frustrated, resentful, open to any forms of self pity, plus a number of other emotions on the negative side that would have totally consumed my night, and probably the entire weekend. I would have been useless to my family, and in a bad mood, lashing out at anyone in my path. I would have formed new resentments and probably spewed out a bunch of hurtful things to a lot of people, including those that did nothing to warrant that negativity.

Tonight my wife has a migraine, she is in bed, my son and I had the entire day, and night to hang out. I love being able to be a part of his life, and to talk with him, to listen to him, and just enjoy experiencing life with him. Tomorrow I am going to get an Easter egg coloring kit so we can have some fun, he is eleven and thinks' he is too cool for this, but I will bet you that he will love every minute of it.

2010-04-02T16:50:00.000-04:00

Thy Will, Not Mine, Be Done

2010-04-02T15:30:00.003-04:00

All my answers can be found in the literature, thanks "As Bill Sees It". Although my pain isn't instantly lifted, at least I have a direction I can head

2010-04-02T15:30:00.001-04:00

in. Tonight a meeting, and a long talk with my sponsor, and for now, a LOT of talking to God...

2010-04-02T14:22:00.001-04:00

Ok, not a great afternoon "Thy Will Be Done", I am P O W E R L E S S, Let go, Let God. I am doing only what I've been told, running to my HP for help.

2010-04-01T23:53:00.001-04:00

A great meeting this afternoon.

One man spoke of just having had to vacate his apartment due to being unemployed and broke, had to move in with a friend. Went to get his car inspected, they rejected the car and it needs $800.00 worth of repairs. The guy said he had no idea what he would do, but he did know he would stay sober. I said some prayers for the guy, wish him the best, and I will ask that God's will be done, whatever it is for him.

Another man spoke after he got his newcomer chip. He first came into A.A. at 19, he just returned at age 52...But for the Grace of God that I came around at 16, and although I went back out, I was given some years of sobriety in between. I was given the glimpse of a better life, just grateful that I was given the chance, and although I turned my back on it, for some reason I have made it back.

Spent some time reading Step 11 in the Little Red Book. I love the LRB! It makes the steps so much easier to understand, and some of the important things that I have already started using are below.

The book talked of having no desire, or intention to ever drink again, and the words "It is our ambition, a mental condition to be grateful for, but one that too often fosters complacency which can lead us into trouble unless God is given proper credit for the sobriety"

This was me in the past, no desire, not ever thinking of a drink, yet NEVER expressing that it wasn't me who was doing it, it was a gift from God, and I got full of myself, ego, and when the desire did return I had no defense.

This is something that really works for me

"Then we let go of our cares and turn to God with this simple prayer: Thy Will Be Done. How long do we continue this? We can be our own judges. It can be a matter of minutes if necessary. We know, however, from experience, that even thirty seconds of complete relaxation of mind and body will do the trick. It is simple. Try it."

Yes! It is simple, and thirty seconds is about all I'm capable of right now without my mind wandering off into other things. Like I said, the LRB is helping me more than I imagined. There is so much more I want to go over in Step 11 alone, but will put up bits and pieces in time. Right now, just what I typed above is an enormous help in my recovery.

Something else talked about in the chapter is expressing our gratitude to our HP, or for me, God. I find it helps, I can be grateful at any moment. Just being sober is something to be grateful for, but there is so much more if we just take a second (or thirty!) to look around at where we are, and for me it's where my attitude is right now compared to just a month ago.

Something that pops up in my mind is the term "pink cloud" that people use around the halls to describe newcomers once they come around and stop drinking. I am feeling very good lately, BUT I am also working very hard at changing. I am focused, talking with my sponsor, going to meetings, reading the literature, and putting a lot of what I am reading into practice. That's the difference, A.A. is on my mind, and I am putting in more effort than showing up at meetings, going home and calling myself "sober".

Things go on in my life that you won't read about here. I want this blog to be open and honest, but I am not laying out everything here. I have God, a sponsor, family, other A.A.'s to talk about things that happen in daily life. I don't need to list every argument that goes on with my kid's, or my wife, or we can't pay this bill, or whatever. I want this blog to be focused on my recovery, and I understand those things I just mentioned affect my recovery, but these are things that will continue to be kept private. I am no one special. I have no answers, no magic remedy. I'm just a guy going to meetings, who has been given a gift of another life, or a new way of life. I used to question "why am I an alcoholic?" "why me?", and today I can see that it is a very special gift to have been given another chance at a life I was throwing away. Thank God, and all of the people he has put into my life to help me on the way.

2010-04-01T18:15:00.000-04:00

A little friend hanging out while I read...

2010-04-01T11:51:00.001-04:00

Checking out a different Noon meeting, bunch of biker's outside, ha! Love visiting meetings in other cities than my own.

2010-04-01T09:16:00.000-04:00

"We try to get along without His help and we make a mess of our lives. We can do nothing of any value without God's help. All our human relations depend on this. When we let God's spirit rule our lives, we learn how to get along with others and how to help them." -Twenty-Four Hours a Day

Today is my Father's sobriety date, when he died in 1995 he was 28 years sober, his favorite slogan, or the one he said to me most often "Live and Let Live".

I'll keep that on my mind today.

2010-03-31T23:53:00.001-04:00

The Little Red Book arrived tonight, so excited to begin reading it, will start with Step 11 as I started a discussion on ITR about it. This is something I plan on doing each week, attending my Step meeting, re-reading the step on my own, reading the LRB, posting a discussion on the ITR forum to read even more feedback. I'm hoping to continue doing this, although right now I have the free time, when the job begins time will become somewhat limited. I will take it as it comes. I'll do today what I might not be able to continue in the future, I'll take the extra help when I can get it.

Went for the job drug test with no worries today. I remember drinking gallons of cranberry juice, and swallowing whole bottles of Goldenseal to prevent pot from showing up on urine tests. I have no idea if those methods work, but I have never had a positive. It was nice to have no worries today. I may have been drinking, and popping whatever pills came my way by prescription but I haven't touched pot or other drugs for some time, way more than a year, probably more. The circles of people I used to hang out with changed as my children got older, and through my last period of sobriety I stopped all contact with the old associates. The recent drinking had been on my own, pretty much in my own home.

No meeting today, but I did call my sponsor, read blogs, posted on ITR, and stayed sober. Life is just moving. It's a hell of a lot better than having some sort of self inflicted chaos to write about...

2010-03-31T23:30:00.000-04:00

2010-03-30T22:18:00.000-04:00

The day was very uneventful, probably because I slept through most of it...

At my Step meeting we covered Step 11. This is a favorite Step of mine, yet I have rarely ever practiced it. This time around, I am trying to be real, or more honest from the heart about doing things. I was raised Catholic, so I have a strong foundation, yet I'm not seeking my religion today, I am seeking Spirituality, and there is a difference for me.

A lot of the discussion during the meeting centered on how others pray, or that they pray constantly. One theme, and I know it to be true for myself, if they aren't praying, or keeping the contact with their HP, they don't stay sober for very long. Everyone who spoke, and talked of beginning their morning with prayers, or talking to God said that their day turned out better.

What I am going to do is re-read the Step later this week, maybe tomorrow, to get a better grasp of it, there are a lot of good things I read. One thing I will begin doing is making the 11th Step prayer, the prayer of St. Francis a part of my daily readings in the morning.

Here it is:

"Lord make me a channel of thy peace -- that where there is hatred, I may bring love -- that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness -- that where there is discord, I may bring harmony -- that where there is error, I may bring truth -- that where there is doubt, I may bring faith -- that where there is despair, I may bring hope -- that where there are shadows, I may bring light -- that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted -- to understand, than to be understood -- to love, than to be loved.

For it is by self-forgetting that one finds. It is by forgiving that one is forgiven. It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life... Amen"

2010-03-29T23:55:00.000-04:00

This photo was taken on my cell phone right before I went into the interview. The picture you see is what I saw while praying these words, I asked that God's will be done, not mine.

I feel good tonight. I did some good things in order to stay sober today. I went to my old home group, changed my sobriety date, and became an active member again. I asked Mr. P to be my sponsor, he said "only if you listen to me, I can be a pain in the ass", I told him that he already was and shook his hand, we had a good laugh.

While sitting in the meeting I thought about my hesitation is/was about sponsorship. I am turning control over to someone else. I am literally asking someone to help me, but also asking in indirect ways for them to tell me how to live. I know I can't do this alone, but that doesn't mean I want anyone telling me what to do either. I know sponsorship goes deeper than this, and it is really a friendship that forms over time, and I do not feel like I just got a new boss, but there is a level of being humbled by asking someone for sponsorship. I'm very happy about it, I took care of two more things that were missing. Sponsor, and a home group. This shows how I need to work for my sobriety, nothing is given, we must work if we want to stay sober.

I'm feeling a lot of relief about the job being given to me, it's a gift. I will not say that I got it because I am sober, I don't know if it has anything to do with it at all. All I do know is that I tried to stay calm, not set my hopes up too high, relied on prayer and asking for God's will to be done. The prayer worked, because it gave me a different attitude.

Tomorrow night back to the Steps, we will be working on Step 11.

2010-03-29T17:31:00.002-04:00

Interviewed, and I got the job! Background check, and drug test, when the results come back I will have a start date.

Can't even put into words my gratitude.

What's more important for me is to continue following the path I have been on. Reading the literature, going to meetings, getting active, praying.

In my past I have had jobs, and given myself (or others) that excuse for not going to meetings. I do not want to do that to myself again, I want to stay close to the program like I have been, close to the literature, close to prayer, close to speaking about recovery, the blog, ITR, reading others blogs which has become a part of my daily routine. I call this my circle of recovery, and I plan to keep extending the circle. Sobriety should be first, I know I don't always keep it first, but today I will. Meeting tonight, and getting myself a sponsor!

Entry is for Sunday, just kept writing and it passed Midnight....

2010-03-29T00:05:00.002-04:00

Weekends are family time for me. Today my wife, son and I took a nice hike, the sun was shining, clouds were in the sky. I wasn't hungover, wasn't itching to get home to booze. I was content to be outside, and happy to be with my family. Grateful for the extra time we get together on the weekend. They go quickly.

Went to a meeting tonight, really enjoyed the speakers and picked up a new Big Book. My old house had flooding damage and my collection of books were ruined, so I'm waiting for the raffle at every meeting. I've been excited to get a copy of the Big Book, have always enjoyed reading it, and plan to do a lot of that this week.

Spent some time at In The Rooms/Facebook tonight clearing out my friends list, I'm getting rid of people I don't talk to, or haven't photographed. No need for extra's I don't know. My photography has been on my mind lately. I've been wanting to quit photographing MMA for some time, have even backed way off of concerts. My surgery had a lot to do with it, but I'm just not finding any motivation to get out and go to shows. I go through this with photography, I just don't feel like doing it anymore, but then you will see me out at shows two, three times a week. One big factor is that I have been chasing my sobriety like crazy, and it's not a bad thing, but I know eventually that will slow down too.

Have a lot of quotes from Fr. Martin's "Chalk Talk" I am going to put up here once I watch the video again. One that has been sticking with me, and not an exact quote, but something like this.

Our desire to be sober has to be stronger than our desire to drink.

A sponsor & finding a group are my goals for the week. The guy I keep mentioning, (I'm going to call him Mr. P in order to keep his anonymity), well I've decided that I am going to ask him to be my sponsor. We sat down and talked at the meeting tonight, he is not a selfish person, very active in groups, goes on commitments. Still, I'm waiting a bit longer to ask, I don't know the reason, and it doesn't matter, I'm still talking with him everyday.

I want a home group, I have been active in groups before, and I know for me, it is a huge part of the program. Getting active, going on commitments, meeting people, being a part of, instead of just showing up and going home, giving something back. Tomorrow I am going to make the decision whether I will go back to one of my old groups. The problem will be cutting out the Monday Step meeting. I can continue on with the Tuesday Step if I go back to the group. Tomorrow, I'll make a final decision, or maybe not.

One more time...

Our desire to be sober has to be stronger than our desire to drink.

2010-03-27T21:48:00.000-04:00

Had a great day today.

Let me tell you, the prayers in my car before I drive are actually working. It takes me a few seconds to focus, ask for help, and so far I have been doing much better. It may sound ridiculous to have/want to do this, but a simple road rage incident can easily ruin an entire day, if not for me, for the people in my car, or for the other driver.

A copy of Father Martin's Chalk Talk arrived at the library for me today. I haven't seen any of the video since rehab, and that was years ago. I hear little of this guy around the halls now, but when I was younger there was a lot of mention of him. I started watching it, but decided to wait until everyone is sleeping so I can go through the whole thing with no interruptions.

Still continuing to call my old-timer friend, at this point will probably drop the idea of the other guy as my sponsor. I'll probably ask this friend who has known me for some time now, he knows what I do, and doesn't hold back from telling the truth. We spoke for a short time today, and I made sure I called him after my meeting, I knew he would question me!

Went to the bookstore tonight and ordered a copy of The Little Red Book to help with my Steps journey. My father died with 28 years sober in A.A., he had these books around the house when I was growing up. The only one I have left of his is "As Bill Sees It", I'm going to enjoy getting into the Little Red Book. My father had great sobriety, if the red book helped him, it can help me. One day at a time, small steps, feeling really grateful....

2010-03-27T14:00:00.001-04:00

Linoleum floor, fluorescent lights, ripped, torn chairs, coffee, cookies. In just walked someone I used to drink with. I'm home at a meeting.

2010-03-27T13:23:00.001-04:00

Woke up full of gratitude this morning, did my readings, headed to a meeting, and family for the rest of the day. Sober life.

2010-03-26T07:43:00.001-04:00

"I'm never on my own, and every day is brand new."~Daily Reflections

2010-03-25T23:54:00.000-04:00

2010-03-25T22:55:00.000-04:00

My father used to tell me that I couldn't be a professional A.A. bum unless I was getting paid. This was back when I would randomly quit jobs, and hang out at meetings all day and night. I guess you can call me a professional now that I'm collecting unemployment, and attending meetings. It's not the way I want it to be either. Like I posted earlier, it's almost two years without work. I have been to many interviews, had many hopes of landing the job, send out hundreds of emails with my resume attached. What's different this time, is my mindset, my attitude. I haven't even interviewed, this may not even be the right job, but I can say thanks to God, my Higher Power for giving me that little inch of hope. Let's see what happens.

Today was another good day. I'll say this, I'm dangerous in my car. I had a friend whose sponsor would tell him, "you will know when you are better, because you will stop using your car as a weapon". Same here, believe me, it's Jekyll & Hyde once I get behind the wheel. Tonight I finally got pissed at myself, on my way to the meeting, exchanging hand signals and words with a guy. What was more funny was that two of the speaker's mentioned similar things while driving. I know I'm not alone out there... So I decided, when I get into my car I am going to say a prayer, probably the Serenity Prayer to get my mind right.

Just have to thank the people who have begun following the blog, it does make me feel good. I was also thinking today, if I keep writing this thing, and being somewhat honest here about what goes on in my head I might get locked up. Seriously, any outsider of the program is going to think I'm crazy! Maybe I am.. Ha! I'm not perfect I can say that, and it's a lot better to be honest, and be trying to live right than the guy who I have been in the past. One day at a time...it's all I want.

Called the potential sponsor today, it was a very uncomfortable two minutes...I said hello, reminded him who I was, and the phone was kind of silent on the other end, I felt like he may have been busy, trying to figure out who it was, or just letting me talk. Anyway, we will see what happens. I do have another old-timer who has been in my life in recovery for years now, tonight he was at the meeting. I don't know, and I don't care. Whatever happens will happen. I don't want to jump into getting a sponsor, I had said I wanted to wait, and find what I feel to be the right person. So I'm continuing like this. I'm going to keep calling the old-timers on my phone list, keep talking to all of them. I am not on a deadline. I'm keeping my options open, and will go with who I feel best when I want to make a decision. Like someone said to me too, it's not a marriage, it's not permanent. Everything will work out the way it is supposed too...

2010-03-25T17:20:00.003-04:00

on Monday. Almost two years out of work, at least this gives me hope.

2010-03-25T17:20:00.001-04:00

I read the other day to get your Spirituality in order first, then economic insecurity will leave us. That's not quoted perfectly. I have a job interview

2010-03-24T22:57:00.000-04:00

Can't complain about the day at all.

Had my final follow up doctor's appointment from a surgery I had over a month ago, got the all clear to resume exercising and other activities! Surgery equals pain relievers... I was one of those people who couldn't stand when discussion meetings got on the topic of medication vs. no-meds. I'm on the other side now, for me it has got to be one way, no-meds, or nothing like vicodin! My last spree began with the meds, popping vicodin to relieve the pain, led me very easily to adding beer to the equation, beer and vicodin equals less pain, or total oblivion. I enjoy Vicodin, if I had unlimited supplies I would pop it like candy. I understand now for myself, I cannot take any meds for pain. I just abuse them, and I enjoy abusing them. Like I said, that stuff is candy. I have to stay far away from any type of meds if I plan on staying sober, God willing I won't need any more surgeries!

Didn't follow up some things from yesterday, didn't read Step 10, but probably will when I get offline now that I typed it, and I didn't call the guy who I want to be my sponsor. I got a little uncomfortable about calling him, it's normal, I don't really know him, of course it's not comfortable, will try again tomorrow.

I saw that I have about zero patience, especially while driving... Actually on my way home tonight, I got pissed when someone tried to get around me, I was doing the speed limit after all! Of course I sped up and got on him as soon as he passed.....Ah!....I have a lot of work to do....but I'm home, and going to bed sober, like I said, nothing to complain about. I'll say some prayers about patience and tolerance for others tonight.

2010-03-23T23:17:00.003-04:00

My view of the day.

An emotional roller coaster that went mostly downhill...but turned out better after a meeting tonight. I had a follow up doctor's appointment, I have been waiting two weeks for, I show up, the doctor is on vacation, have to make another appointment. I have the card showing my appointment and time to be there, someone made a mistake and didn't let me know. Being the way I am it was insta-rage, which morphed into the poor me's. Why does this happen to me?, I wanted that appointment, and on and on. The whole world against me, as usual... It really bothered me, and what bothered me more later in the afternoon, was that even though I didn't want to be angry and full of self pity, the feelings wouldn't shake. The only thing good here was that I was aware of what I was feeling.

Went to another Step meeting tonight, and I needed this meeting. We covered Step 10. I haven't read Step 10 in a long time, and although this blog is based in part on Step 10, after the reading I realized that it's more about taking my inventory, seeing my reactions, how I interact with others. There is a lot in the step, and tomorrow I am going to read it again. I'm chasing my sobriety right now, and I am enjoying going to meetings. Made a phone call to another A.A. tonight, told him how good I was feeling, but like I said to him "ask me how I feel in six months", he said "six months, you won't feel the same tomorrow!" and he was right. Today was an emotional wreck of a day, but with the help of a meeting, and going over my actions after reading the step I came home and sat down with my family and we all had a good talk. I'm trying to change, and enjoying the ride right now.

Two things I feel good about tonight. I feel good about the two Step meetings I've attended this week, and I want to say that I am going to continue with both. A lot of people tonight attended last nights meeting, I just felt good, and I know right now that I want to continue with both. I was saying that I wanted to find one good one, and it turns out that I found two, and there isn't anything wrong with attending more than one Step meeting a week. So my search for a Step meeting that I am comfortable came to a quick end, and I'm happy about it, also happy that writing this blog has helped keep me accountable to myself.

Second thing. I may have found my new sponsor. I have seen this guy around the halls, he has long term sobriety, and yes, he attends the same two Step meetings. When he spoke tonight he mentioned that he doesn't like to work, and that although he has been at the same job for years, he doesn't like to work. I related to that, if you knew me before this blog, you would know I don't like to work. It might not sound like much to anyone else, but it was important for me to find a sponsor who has to go to work everyday, some of mine in the past have not had jobs, and if you don't work you don't have the same type of stress/personality issues working people face each day. I'm not saying life is easy without work, but it is different, and I needed someone who has to get up just like I do everyday. I asked, and got his phone number and will call him tomorrow. I'm glad I reached out to him, he may not turn out to be anything but a friend, but I like his message, just need to get to know him some more.

2010-03-22T22:37:00.001-04:00

The day went as well as it could I guess. Dreary weather outside, probably matched my mood for most of the day. Wife never got out of the ER until 4am so we slept most of the day. Decided on staying in together watching a movie, but later in the night she felt sick again and went to bed. Instead of sitting around I took off to the Step meeting I have attended sporadically. I missed half the meeting, but got there before the reading was done. We covered Step 12. I spoke, let the group know I was coming back, and that a goal is to really work the Steps, make it a part of my recovery. I want the Steps to be my recovery. I am looking to change right now, I want some freedom. Next week we cover the 2nd half of Step 12, then onto Step 1, which is perfect for me. I still plan on checking out some other Step meetings this week, but I'll head back to this one if it happens, too far away to tell.

I did some online reading today, read some excerpts from "The Little Red Book", I liked how it covered Step One in easier to understand terms than the actual 12x12. I want to get the book, and will eventually. Enjoying the "social" site I mentioned, it's called In The Rooms, www.intherooms.com. I am enjoying the format, lots to do, and read. Discussion forums, chat room, even found a link to a "12 Step" radio site, and they had a good selection of recovery related music.

One thing I am on the search for is a good sponsor. I have some old-timers in my life I talk with, and one is my old sponsor. I am just looking for someone that I can trust, it may take a while to find the right person. I'm hoping to find the person in my Step meetings, I have had sponsors in the past who really didn't attend the Steps. Since it is how I am looking to focus my recovery, it makes a lot more sense to find someone who is actively attending, and practicing the Steps. Anyone can go to meetings, and stay sober for years, but right now for me, I'm interested in changing the person I am dragging back in.

2010-03-22T08:29:00.002-04:00

This is one of those painful days. In 1977 my brother was a victim of a hit and run drunk driver. It's the one moment that I can specifically point to that shows where my entire family changed, it destroyed us. I was six years old, my brother was nine. I can remember the day like it happened this morning.

I would follow my brother around while he was with his friends, he would punch me in the stomach and say "don't be a copy-cat". Same thing that day. Later I was sitting down doing my homework at the kitchen table, the phone rang, my mother answered and got the news. We heard the ambulance from the house. My brother was put on life support, fractured skull and more. Eventually they pulled the plug. In my parents mind I was too young to see my brother in the condition he was in, it was my very first resentment, I was never allowed to say goodbye. It took me years to get over that, and I don't think I ever really have.

I lived for years wanting to hurt the guy who did it, I was a very angry person. It allowed me to have tons of self pity, not having a brother, not being able to do things that other kids were. I always felt that I had a tougher time in school without an older brother to protect me, or show me how to act.

The guy got nothing, actually turned himself in the day we buried my brother, back in 1977 the laws were different, he didn't even lose his license. I met someone years later in A.A. who actually worked with him at the time, said he was a druggie, that he blew an engine in his car a week after the accident "peeling rubber" in front of the car wash they both worked at.

I came to a place while sober that I was able to let it go, I was over 21 by this time. I thought I let it go. This year it was in the newspaper that the guy who killed him died "unexpectedly". Everything came back to me, the anger, the hatred, I felt like I lost my chance to get him. It was a chapter in my life re-opened. This is something that I have to work on in my sobriety, just something on the list.

Today I'll take the day and think of my brother, say some prayers and celebrate what little time I had with him. I'll get to a meeting. I need one already...

Posting for 21 March

2010-03-22T00:04:00.003-04:00

This is a lesson in powerlessness for me. My wife suffers from migraines, which get so bad at times that we have to go to the ER so she can get medicated. Guess where I'm sitting... We had to get my son out of bed, it's just a big mess. If you've been to ER's then you know that you may end up sitting around for hours. We got here at 12:05am, I'll let you know when we get the hell out of here.

My day was good. The weather was nice again, and around here that gets everyone in a better mood. Went to the 6:30pm meeting at the Club 24, it was a good meeting. Went with a friend who is checking out meetings, I offer nothing more than a ride, and what little I can offer. I don't know if the person is alcoholic or not, and it is not my decision to make, but I can be there to offer a ride, introduce them to some other A.A.'s and answer questions, if I know the answers. I don't consider it 12 Step work, bringing them only helps me to get to a meeting too.

I joined an online social recovery site tonight, sort of based on the MySpace/Facebook models. I figure it's better to be connected to people in recovery, and talking about recovery. Now I have to figure out how to use it.

My first rehab was at 16, it was in the summer, so at this time of the year I get good feelings about being sober. I find myself listening to Neil Young, and Southern Rock, Blues, something about that music, at this time of the year gets me happy. It's great to emerge from the cold New England winters into days of riding around with the windows open and the car radio turned up...

I've been feeling better getting to meetings, and I've been praying more. I like to think that the prayers are helping me. I'm feeling good. Those were my thoughts during the meeting, I don't want to do this anymore, the drinking. I just want to stay sober, be sober, live that life of serenity I have touched before. One day at a time...

2010-03-20T23:13:00.003-04:00

Today was a great day. I spent most of it with my wife and son. We went over to Pine Banks and I was able to sit in front of the pond for a while, enjoying the sun, alone in my thoughts. It was very peaceful, I had a lot of serenity today. Went to the 6pm meeting at the Club 24, enjoyed the speaker. One thing she mentioned was her inability to totally relax, that her mind is always running, I related to that. I always seem to have something going on in my head, it's a big reason that I have sleep problems, I can't ever seem to stop thinking about things.

One thing I really liked that was talked about at the meeting. An old-timer spoke about problems, and if you take the first drink, those problems won't have a chance to be resolved, but if you stay sober everything will work out eventually. Said that no matter what he had for problems when he came in, courts, financial, etc., eventually everything worked out, but if he had taken that first drink, things would have only become worse. I liked that, it makes complete sense to me.

Something that I want to work on this week is finding some new Step meetings to try. I know for myself, the Steps are something that I want to dedicate myself to, I have never really applied myself fully, and gone through them. So no surprise that I haven't changed much since I was 16...I know that it is a huge factor in my staying sober, I want to do the program as it is laid out, not my way anymore. I have the same useless excuse about Step meetings, long meetings, and I hate reading the Traditions before getting to the Steps. So I want to get over this lame excuse. When I write it here and read it, it all becomes clear, I'm wasting my time avoiding Steps because I don't like some things about the format of the meetings, and at the same time all I am really doing is hurting myself. The Steps are something that can help change my life, so I guess my first change should be finding one I like, and sticking with it. Easy to say, not so easy to follow through. I'm really enjoying writing this blog, it might help keep me accountable for some of the things I say...

2010-03-20T14:38:00.000-04:00

2010-03-20T12:48:00.001-04:00

Today is my 12 year wedding anniversary. Grateful that my wife was willing to stick around with all the chaos I have created in the past.

2010-03-19T18:08:00.003-04:00

Went to the 4pm meeting at the Club this afternoon. I don't know if it is because today is Friday or what, but people were acting out everywhere, even to the point of someone yelling shut up. Definitely not the normal meeting atmosphere... At a discussion meeting anyone can talk, so you hear things from newcomers just walking in the door, to old-timers with a lot of years experience in recovery. Today the topic ended up being the controversy between addicts and alcoholics. A lot of old-timers don't want to hear about drugs, they want to keep meetings strictly alcohol related only. A bunch of drug addicts feel that they belong to A.A. no matter what. My feeling is this, I was a better alcoholic than a drug user. I've done plenty of both, but in my reality, I started with the bottle, and ended with the bottle. I call myself an alcoholic. I identify with words written in the Big Book, and the other literature. I ended up in rehab at 16 due to my out of control coke/freebasing habit, but you can believe that every single night there was beer on the table. I walked out of the meeting disturbed, I guess you can call it that. This is why I have more meetings to go to, sometimes one doesn't give me what I need. I have no answers on the controversy, all I do know, is that it seems to be taking too much time away from talking about recovery and how to stay sober. Being sober you can call yourself whatever you want, but being drunk is being drunk, just like being high is being high. I'd rather stay on the sober side today, call me what you want to call me.

2010-03-19T11:16:00.000-04:00

Today's Daily Reflection is titled "Prayer: It Works". The writer was told that prayer is an important part of practicing the program. This is something that I struggle with, and you would think prayer would be easy being raised Catholic, but it's not. I have gone through so many different periods of spirituality in my life, everything from attending church, daily Rosary, to feeling nothing, feeling that there is nothing out there, no God, no power greater than us. Right now I am having a hard time just praying. I have separated myself from any form of spirituality for so long, that prayers feel hollow, like I am just saying the words and nothing more. I have to remind myself to do it, or force myself is more like it. This is where the program is giving me the tools. The daily readings help, just reading about a Higher Power gives me a reminder, keeps it fresh in my mind. Going to meetings, listening to others talk about their own spiritual experience is something I need to do more of... In all of my past periods of sobriety, my spirituality was very strong, and I know when I work on spirituality and a contact with my Higher Power whom I call God, I stay sober. Right now it's about getting back to feeling something inside, so today I will try and say some more prayers, let's see where it leads me.